Our Baby Died

Journal Entry;

September 18, 2009

Today we lost our baby. Baby lived June 23, July23, Aug 23, Sep 18th. Doctor said no heartbeat and we lost the baby a few days later.

Why Didn't I Go?

About 4 months into our pregnancy, another checkup came. After several kids were already healthy these checkups had become pretty routine. I had to work that day, so let my wife go by herself to the appointment. I had been at every appointment for all four of our kids so far.

One of my biggest regrets in life, was not going with my pregnant wife to that appointment. During her checkup, the doctor said our baby was no longer alive. My wife had come home and waited for me to tell me. When I got home, I could tell right away something was wrong. We talked about it, and decided to wait before getting back with doctor just to be sure, before surgical removal. We were in denial in some way, hopeful in other ways that maybe there was a mistake, hopeful God would perform a miracle for us.

A few days later on September 18th, 2009, we miscarried. The loss of the baby was a huge trial for us. Very challenging spiritually, as we were waiting on our baptism, we struggled with this. Why God? Why now? Why Us? It was hard on my wife, more so than me. I guess a mother connects earlier to her baby than a father, not sure. Maybe it just wasn't all real enough to me yet. I don't know. It bothered me more I would find out years later.

Who Lifts Us Up?

I saw my wife in bed for days, her grief just tearing at her. I didn't know what to do, what to say. There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless. As the days passed by, I started to see how God was with my wife in her grief. How he was starting to lift her up. How he read the bible to her. On September 23, 2009, I heard my wife reading the bible in bed; Isaiah 41:10. "Fear thou not, for I am with thee ...I will help thee." Isaiah 41:13 or 3, For the Lord thy God, will hold thy right hand ... I will help thee. God was speaking to her through these verses, uplifting her, helping her get through this moment. He lifted her out of her sadness. I will never know what He was telling her when she read those verses, I just know he forever planted the verses in her heart. She didn't know at the time, but God was going to bless her with another child a few years later, when she was a few years older. As for me, I may have told you the only thing I would change in my life, would be to have more kids. To this day, I find myself in private at times, weeping for our child we lost. It could be just a passing thought or something that triggers it. I still feel the loss. But I know now that God forever gave my wife these verses in her heart to help her get through moments of despair. He showed me, he will bring my family through moments, when I can't. When I don't know what to say. When I don't know how to show my feelings. When I hold it in, because "that is just what men do."

Thank you, Lord, for strengthening our faith in you.